End of school year
Well, another year done and my kid did great.
When my (one and only) son first started school, I didn’t realise the trauma I was still holding over my own school experience. I was still very disconnected from all the fear I felt every minute of every day and fully carrying it around with me EVERYWHERE. I might have mentioned here before, but I have always had that internal dread and fear. It was probably hardest in primary school. Not that anything happened in primary school, it was just the fear and dread I had already been holding. But at this young age I didn’t understand it. I do now, of course with my constant thirst for knowledge on all things trauma related (how cheery!). I understand now that my body felt it, and my brain hadn’t the proper connections to process it. And when you feel fear this deeply without any input from the brain, it can be so terrifying as a small child. I always felt a sick churning in my tummy when I first opened my eyes in the morning. ‘Oh no, how am I going to get through another day’…the dread.
You know yourself: Monday - F*CK, Tuesday - WTF, Wednesday - I ACTUALLY CANT…, Thursday - HOPE, Friday - I DID IT!!! I SURVIVED….weekend and then the week begins..again!
I know, that if you are a child of the 80’s like me then you may also know that dread and fear. I feel like it was a ‘Hope for the best’ time to be alive!
When I first went in to Noah’s Junior Infants class a few years ago, I remember the chairs, the tables and the smell. The smell was what brought me back instantly. It really triggered me. The mix of crayons, mala and old (but perfectly clean) toilets…it brought me right back to my own fear and dread. Even though my son’s lovely teacher who was possibly 20 years younger than me was really warm and caring, the fear still crept in like an old friend. Reminding me that I am not safe. Not safe in my body, not safe in this situation and not safe in primary school!
This last year, however, that fear seems to have dissipated a bit. Thankfully. This is all down to the work I am doing, healing, clearing and accepting. I had to get to a point where I decided to just not carry it anymore. Sure, its shit to have to feel like that then but I have so much more to do with this beautiful life of mine than to keep so tightly a hold over the past. I had to accept that it was shit, and that was and is ok! We are all carrying trauma in one way, shape or form. Its up to us how will learn (or not) from it.
Intention helped me. Deciding to accept the old feelings and bring in new experiences. This meant, having fun with Noah on the way to school. Having great chats about his day, his friends, his lunch likes and dislikes. Also, having lots of fun after school. It also helped me to push myself a bit and make friends, good ones :) That really changed things for me. It was a fun place to be around and I soon forgot all the fear I used to feel. Creating new neural pathways. Allowing my brain to make new connections, sending new information so that my old body didn’t just always feel the fear. This was a happy place. This is a happy place. The community surrounding Noah’s school is truly so lovely and safe. I don’t think I was able to notice it before now.
I couldn’t see past my own stuff to notice it.