End of school year

Well, another year done and my kid did great.

When my (one and only) son first started school, I didn’t realise the trauma I was still holding over my own school experience. I was still very disconnected from all the fear I felt every minute of every day and fully carrying it around with me EVERYWHERE. I might have mentioned here before, but I have always had that internal dread and fear. It was probably hardest in primary school. Not that anything happened in primary school, it was just the fear and dread I had already been holding. But at this young age I didn’t understand it. I do now, of course with my constant thirst for knowledge on all things trauma related (how cheery!). I understand now that my body felt it, and my brain hadn’t the proper connections to process it. And when you feel fear this deeply without any input from the brain, it can be so terrifying as a small child. I always felt a sick churning in my tummy when I first opened my eyes in the morning. ‘Oh no, how am I going to get through another day’…the dread.

You know yourself: Monday - F*CK, Tuesday - WTF, Wednesday - I ACTUALLY CANT…, Thursday - HOPE, Friday - I DID IT!!! I SURVIVED….weekend and then the week begins..again!

I know, that if you are a child of the 80’s like me then you may also know that dread and fear. I feel like it was a ‘Hope for the best’ time to be alive!

When I first went in to Noah’s Junior Infants class a few years ago, I remember the chairs, the tables and the smell. The smell was what brought me back instantly. It really triggered me. The mix of crayons, mala and old (but perfectly clean) toilets…it brought me right back to my own fear and dread. Even though my son’s lovely teacher who was possibly 20 years younger than me was really warm and caring, the fear still crept in like an old friend. Reminding me that I am not safe. Not safe in my body, not safe in this situation and not safe in primary school!

This last year, however, that fear seems to have dissipated a bit. Thankfully. This is all down to the work I am doing, healing, clearing and accepting. I had to get to a point where I decided to just not carry it anymore. Sure, its shit to have to feel like that then but I have so much more to do with this beautiful life of mine than to keep so tightly a hold over the past. I had to accept that it was shit, and that was and is ok! We are all carrying trauma in one way, shape or form. Its up to us how will learn (or not) from it.

Intention helped me. Deciding to accept the old feelings and bring in new experiences. This meant, having fun with Noah on the way to school. Having great chats about his day, his friends, his lunch likes and dislikes. Also, having lots of fun after school. It also helped me to push myself a bit and make friends, good ones :) That really changed things for me. It was a fun place to be around and I soon forgot all the fear I used to feel. Creating new neural pathways. Allowing my brain to make new connections, sending new information so that my old body didn’t just always feel the fear. This was a happy place. This is a happy place. The community surrounding Noah’s school is truly so lovely and safe. I don’t think I was able to notice it before now.

I couldn’t see past my own stuff to notice it.

A bit about me…

I have been anxious since early childhood, and I have struggled with depression, anxiety and insomnia most of my life. For so long, I was disconnected from my feelings, a coping technique I adopted early from unhealed trauma. From this unhealed trauma came more aliments. I was diagnosed with two autoimmune diseases (Anklosing Spondylitis & Rheumatoid Arthritis) along with Fibroids, Stage 4 Endometriosis and Fybromyalgia. My body was trying to communicate to me, but I was ignoring it all. I finally landed at my rock bottom, and when I moved passed feeling victimised I began to slowly reconnect and heal. These days, I am deeply reconnected back to my true authentic self. I have returned back home.

My pain journey sparked my curiosity and set me on a new path of learning, study and practice. For many years now I have been supporting my clients with Meditation, Sound Therapy, Reiki, Cacao, and EFT. I combine some or all of these healing modalities to help you wherever you are in your journey. I see clients on a one to one basis in MySkincare in Ballinteer. I also hold group circles and retreats to support in connecting deeply within, to heal and move forward.

Hello Dearest Reader

From a very young age, I suppose as far back as my brain lets me go – I have felt a deep down kind of sadness. Now, as I type at a (some would say a VERY young looking) 45 year old - I know that sadness would eventually settle. Ease a bit. I know now why I felt it but then as a little shy girl growing up in the 80s well I hadn’t a clue. I thought everyone felt it. I thought everyone felt like this all or some of the time. I thought it was normal. So normal that I didn’t really think of it as sadness, just life. This isn’t a prelude to a pity party, stick with me for a moment. This is an explanation that we are ALL carrying some kind of trauma and life is all about how we deal with it to continue to move forward.

My story begins back before I was born. My biological mother was a young girl who was taken advantage of in 1979. When her family found out she was pregnant she was immediately sent ‘up to Dublin’ in a bid to ‘do the right thing’. She was a child, with no say. She was sent out of her family home and brought to Dublin where she was placed in a Mother and Baby Home in North Dublin. She was treated badly by the very people who were placed in these institutions to care for them. I can’t imagine how scary this whole situation would have been for her. Something you would simply never recover from. And really, I probably only allowed myself to fully go to the emotion of it all when my own beautiful son was born 36 years later.

As I currently sit and write, sipping beautiful cacao in my extremely privileged life – I know and believe that we all on some level know the full details of our path, we choose it and then we land in to our bodies. I know on some level I needed this particular path for this particular life time. I do really feel a connection to the Buddist belief that we come back again and again to level up (I’m pretty sure this isn’t the direct translation of the beautiful Sanskrit words used but you get the drift..) until we finally live the most peaceful and harmonious life filled with deep love for our selves and others, deep love for this planet and all that lives in it. A life full of compassion for all and deep gratitude for ourselves (using alllllllll the buzz words now). Then and only then will we reach Nirvana, pure enlightenment. I do feel that this sometime difficult path that I am currently hobbling along has all been for this very belief, but I am getting ahead of myself. As I said, this is all the point.

Learning, growing, expanding and levelling up!

Always moving forward.